Invitation Page 5

  “Okay, but I'm going to make it really short.”

  “Fine. Go.”

  “I broke up with a guy, Brandon. We were in youth group together for a while. Don't laugh.” He was laughing. “It's not actually that funny. My father is a minister.”

  Liam started choking. “Holy shit! Is he going to come after me?”

  “No, he doesn't talk to me. That's not a concern.” I sighed. This stuff made me so tired. “So Brandon wanted to stay virgins until we got married.”

  “Then why the fuck did he date the most desirable girl in the universe?”

  “Stop interrupting. But thank you.”

  “Anyway, after a year, we 'slipped'.”

  “You got it on?”

  “Yes.”

  “Was it good?”

  “Shut up. No.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest, nodding his head and grinning smugly.

  I continued. “It didn’t bother me at all because, by then, I didn’t believe the things my father and his church believed. But Brandon claimed to. He was distraught and I thought I loved him. So, because I was a 'fallen woman', we decided to get engaged.”

  “Of course. Perfectly reasonable conclusion.”

  “Please don’t make fun of me. It seemed like life or death at the time. I pretended to go along with it because my father was head of the church; and Brandon's father is my father's best friend and right hand man.”

  “So, no pressure.”

  “Exactly.”

  “But this sounds like something from the 1950's!” He was incredulous.

  “Wake up, Liam.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. “Plenty of people in America think this way. I just happened to be someone who felt differently who was trapped in this church.”

  “Sounds more like a cult.”

  My anger flashed. “Hey, that's my Dad you're talking about.” I’m sure Liam was thinking, 'The Dad who doesn't talk to you?’, but he stayed quiet.

  “Sorry. It’s a difficult subject.” He reached for my hand and gave it a quick squeeze.

  “Eventually, for many reasons, I broke up with Brandon.” I took a breath. “He went a little psycho.” I rubbed my face with my hands. God I hated telling this story.

  “What did he do?”

  “He invited me out to talk so he could have 'closure'. I actually thought I owed him that. I met him at a bar, which should have been a big clue that something was up. We never drank.” I took a deep breath. “He bought me a drink, put a roofie in it, and brought it to our table. The last thing I remember about the evening was Brandon saying, 'You're just an ugly fucking slut, and soon everyone will know it.”

  “Oh, Madison.” Liam reached over to hold me, but I moved away.

  “Just let me finish because I don't think I can ever talk about this again.”

  “Okay.” Liam held onto my hand, but leaned back to give me some space.

  “He and his friends dragged me to the bathroom, took my clothes off and left me there.”

  “Left you?” Liam looked as though he was having a heart attack.

  “Somebody wrote on me, moved me into awful positions, and took pictures. But you can't see anyone's face in the pictures. Except mine.” I tried to calm my erratic breathing. “Eventually the bartender came in, saw me, and called the police. They took me to the hospital and called Chloe and my father. I told my father what Brandon had done. He didn't believe me. He said it was evil for me to pull Brandon, this wonderful Christian boy from an upstanding family, into this disgusting mess I had made for myself.”

  There were tears streaming down my face, but my voice didn't crack. For the first time, the memories were making me feel angry and strong, rather than dirty and flawed. “I went home with my father and begged him to listen to me. I had been a good girl my whole life! I had just gotten into medical school! But all that mattered was that I had had sex, with a boyfriend I had had for three years!”

  “Where was your Mom in all this?”

  “Dead. Don't ask me to go into that now. This is all I can deal with this morning.” Liam squeezed my hand again for reassurance and I went on. “My father still didn't believe me. He said Brandon had told his father and my father that we had never had sex, that he was still 'pure'.”

  “Fucking coward.”

  “He told them that bad things had happened to me that night because I was impure and easy and must have been in that bar asking for it.”

  “If I ever meet that guy I'll kill him. I'll kill your father, too. Couple of hypocritical assholes.”

  “Stop. Don’t.” I shook my head. “I was still living at home at the time. I thought maybe things could cool off after a couple of days and I could talk to my father again then. I thought he just wasn't thinking clearly. I understood that he was distraught about me, and also really trapped because this was his best friend’s son and a hugely important family in the church.”

  “But you were his kid!”

  “I know, but he really believed, believes, that I am ruined. At that moment, I could see how it might seem easier to sacrifice me. I was just one stupid, loose, ruined female. Accusing Brian could have torn the whole congregation apart.”

  “That's not sounding like a bad thing to me.”

  “I know. But at the time, that was my congregation, too. I cared about it. I cared about my father. He had worked so hard. I thought he would eventually come around…” I stopped.

  “So, what happened?”

  “After we got home from the hospital, we were both exhausted and emotionally rung out. I wanted to leave it for the night. I wanted us both to cool down. I started to walk to my room, but he grabbed my arms and started shaking me. He said,” my throat was so tight I couldn't talk or swallow. I massaged my neck and went on. “He told me that he was glad my mother was dead so she would never have to see what a disgusting whore I turned out to be. He said I had to get out of his house. He said I was contaminating it with my filth.”

  There was a long silence. I rubbed my hands across my face. “So, I packed a bag and left. I took what money I had out of the bank, stayed with Chloe for a while, got a student loan and -- ta da -- here I am.”

  Liam looked at me. We were both quiet. “Thank you for telling me.” He sat awkwardly. “I don't know what to say.”

  Which was fine with me. There wasn't anything he could say. I already regretted telling him the whole story. I could only see it making things even more awkward between us. What were the rules in our new pretend relationship for comforting the other person after they'd bared their soul to you?

  “It's okay. I'm okay.” I stood up, and pulled him up to standing, too. “You don't have to say anything. It was a long time ago. Life's been working out pretty well for me lately.” I wanted to get back to our lazy, sexy morning, not just to avoid the heavier topics, but because life really had been getting better. I wanted to be back in that better life as soon as possible.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Liam drove me back into the city. My mood had improved and I was back to just feeling great around him. I was tired of my horrible clothes and my ratty hair, and needed to start making some changes.

  Liam had told me over and over again that I was gorgeous, but his eyes were obviously clouded with some kind of sex chemical. Now I wanted to look really nice for him. For the first time ever, I thought that that kind of attention could feel nice. I wanted to wear something pretty or sexy and have Liam's eyes grow wide. I wanted him to say, “Wow”.

  I'm not sure why my thoughts went instantly to lingerie. The underwear I had on at the time was actually all right. It was sweet and pretty, but I wanted something that would give me more confidence. If I was going to get over the next hurdle, then I would need to feel empowered, and sexy as hell.

  I got Liam to drop me off at a street close to home filled with fabulous little shops and salons. I really didn't have money to spare, but this was important.

  I got a quick haircut. I bought some soft swe
aters and a pair of sexy jeans.

  Next on the list was lingerie. Chloe could help me pick out more clothes another day. She'd love to head out for a fun girls' day out, and I probably owed her one. But I wasn't going to take her lingerie shopping. I'm not the kind of person who can prance around in front of sales people or even best friends. Thinking about a girls’ day, made me realize. I was really missing Chloe.

  She was my best friend and this amazing, wonderful thing was happening to me. I wanted to be able to tell her all about it, but I now I dreaded telling her anything. I wanted to be friends like we had been before, before the ugliness with Brandon, but she wasn't letting it happen.

  I walked into the first shop with frilly things in the window and instantly knew I was in the right place. The pieces were sexy and classic. A salesperson came towards me. She had a turquoise bra with feathers in her hand, and held it up. “You like?” she asked.

  “No!” I said before I could filter myself. She laughed.

  “Good. Finally a young one with some taste. What are you looking for, sweetie?”

  I felt like I had found my own tiny fairy godmother. Usually I push people's kindness and help away, but she was so warm and lovely. It felt wonderful to let my guard down and have her take care of me.

  I gave her a condensed version of the story. “Basically, I want to feel like I look good. I think it might help me to be braver.”

  She nodded. “Meet me by the changing rooms.” She floated through the store, gathering up a large collection of pretty things. She hung each one up in the changing room.

  “Some people want me to stay in here to help them.”

  I tried not to look horrified. “Oh, no. Thank you, but that's all right.”

  She laughed as she closed the curtain up tightly behind her. “That's what I figured. I'll be back to check on you in a sec.”

  I tried on many things, feeling okay about each of them. Nothing really blew me away until I picked up a black lace set and put them on. They were so tiny, and seemed so plain. I wasn’t expecting much, but when I looked up into the mirror I was amazed. The bikini underwear made my waist look even slimmer, and emphasized the curve of my hips.

  The demi-bra barely covered my nipples. It pushed my breasts up slightly, so it would be easy for Liam to push the fabric down and take my breast into his mouth...

  God, is it normal to get turned on in a lingerie dressing room? I imagined Liam touching me between the legs, and then I did it to myself, just to see how it felt. Oh my god, this was the set. I changed back into my regular clothes and made my way to the cash register. “That was quick,” exclaimed the sales person. “Did you like the pink teddy?”

  I put the black bra and panties on the counter. “I didn't get a chance to try that one. Next time for sure.”

  “Nice choice.” She rang up my purchase. “I'm giving you some free samples of skin products because you're adorable, and I hope you have a great night.” I was staring at the exact human opposite of my father. I wanted to give her a hug, but that was a little beyond my comfort level. Baby steps and all.

  I grabbed my bag filled with sexy confidence and headed out onto the street. It was another unusually beautiful day on the rainy coast, so I took my time getting home. For the first time in two years I was smiling again and, though I wasn't exactly Mrs. Outgoing, I wasn't staring at the ground avoiding eye contact either.

  The amazing smells coming from a bakery stopped me in my tracks. Everything looked beautiful and delicious. I went in and nearly swooned from the heavenly aromas. I chose a strawberry tart and sat at an outside table to eat it.

  It was too cold to eat outside really, but I wanted the whole Parisian experience. Sexy new man, pretty underwear, strawberry tart, outdoor café. Check, check, check and check.

  I dipped my finger into the red glaze and sucked it off. I had always done this as a child, but now the action felt illicit and sensual. I thought of Liam and the things his tongue might do.

  I was so turned on again that I got up to head home. I figured I might have to take care of things myself before the throbbing drove me insane. I definitely needed some privacy. Possibly the bathtub.

  I couldn't remember Chloe's schedule and was guiltily hoping she wouldn't be home when I got there. I was also hoping she’d be gone so I could avoid her disapproving glare. I had run out of patience with her, and was worried a big scene might be coming. I really didn’t want it to happen on this particular day. It was shaping up to be one of the best days of my life so far.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  No such luck. As soon as I walked in the door, she was on me. “Where were you? You said you'd be here by noon at the latest! It's nearly two!”

  I took a deep breath, trying to control my anger, but this just had to stop. “Chloe, I have tried to explain this to you. If you don't understand, that's fine, but you've got to back off. There's having a person's back and then there's just trying to run someone else's life.”

  “You're messing up again, and we have to talk.” She sat down and took out a piece of paper.

  “I'm through talking about this, Chloe. You respect my choices or...”

  “Or what?” another voice barked. It was deep and mean and terribly familiar. I turned toward the kitchen to see my father walking toward me.

  I glared at Chloe. “What have you done?”

  “Well,” she finally looked a little sheepish. “You weren't listening to me. So I needed some help.” Chloe had never really understood why I was so angry with my father. She had always just seen him as some overprotective dad. It had been a sore point between us that she had never realized how much he had hurt me.

  “This is too much, Chloe. You've gone too far. I'm getting out of here.” I moved quickly towards the door, but my father blocked the way.

  “You're not going anywhere until you hear us out.” He pulled out a piece of paper, too.

  I was shaking with rage and fear. This was my apartment. It was supposed to be my safe haven. This was supposed to be my new life. Not only was Chloe doing her best to ruin my present life, she had very deliberately brought the darkness of the past right into my own home.

  I stormed over to where Chloe sat on the couch, and snatched the paper out of her hand. “What is this?” I was laughing, but it was a frightening half-crazed sound. “An intervention? You're doing an intervention on me because I am trying to have some sort of life?” I threw the paper at her. “You, you, assholes....”

  “Hey, you show some respect!” my father bellowed.

  “Get out!” I cried. “Both of you get out.”

  “Madison, what you are doing is wrong,” my father started in again.

  “Oh, give me a break. You don't know anything about me.”

  “I know all about the trouble you got yourself into, and how you seem to be so stubborn and blind that you're heading down the same path again.”

  “I DID NOT GET MYSELF INTO TROUBLE!!!” I screamed at him.

  Chloe looked afraid, and I was glad. I wanted to slam her smug face into something hard.

  “Those sorts of things do not happen to decent girls. I raised you to be better than this. This is an evil life you're leading Madison and it has to end.”

  I knew I was going to throw up. “I am going into the bathroom, and when I come out you will both be gone.”

  Chloe's face went pale, my father's beet red. They both opened their mouths to talk, but I put my hand up and said in a terrifyingly dead voice, “You will both be gone.”

  I walked away from them into the bathroom. I locked the door, turned on the faucet, and started heaving into the toilet.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  I knew deep down that they were wrong. If I listened to my heart and my gut I knew that the life they wanted me to live was full of fear and darkness, and what I had with Liam was light and good.

  But it got to me. It brought everything back. Not just the whole awful event, but also my father's condemnation of me afterward. I had no
mother, and he had never been around much, so I shouldn’t have expected anything different; but if there was ever a time a parent could have done me some good, it was after the bar nightmare. A little love and support would have helped a lot; but instead he had blamed me, called me a slut, told me not to go home anymore.

  I was supposed to see Liam that night, but I couldn't possibly manage it. I couldn't get out of bed. Darkness had landed on me again, and I was pinned down. I felt a million miles away from the optimistic, alive person I had been minutes before I walked into the apartment.

  I texted Liam that I had to cancel. I couldn't tell him all this crap. I was screwed up, ruined, hopeless.

  There would come a point where this just wouldn’t be fun for him anymore and he would dump me. Or whatever it is you do to someone you're having “physical fun” with. I started to see what a bizarre game Liam and I were playing. You can't tell someone your secrets and then try to keep things casual. You can't have amazing intimacy without opening up your heart. What we were trying to do was impossible. It had to end.

  Besides, Chloe and my father had gotten into my head. All the ugly old voices were back. I was just a slut. A stupid slut whose life was almost ruined once and who hadn't learned her lesson at all.

  I stayed in bed the rest of the weekend. I put the chain on the door. I wasn't letting anyone in. I ignored the knocking and the phone calls. Fuck Chloe. She could just go back to her parents’ house. She had no idea how lucky she was. She couldn't possibly know what it was like to have no one.

  On Monday I went into work. I stumbled through the day, trying to stay on top of all the pages from my beeper, and the paperwork and emergencies. I didn't see Liam. I made sure I couldn't. The sight of his anger, or worse, his hurting would have pushed me over the edge.

  I was barely coping at work and couldn't afford any meltdowns or screw-ups. I looked at the ground just in front of my feet when I was walked and didn't make eye contact with anyone.